Smack

When I was proposed to instead of being woke

So basically, this is the set up. I’ve attended the same church for the last 12 years, and so I consider that my home base. my parentals on the other hand, attend a Nigerian church. However some of these churches pop up and disappear at the speed of blessers blessing and dumping their sugar snacks, it’s hard to remain committed to one.

Based on this trend, you can see how slightly difficult it can be to find a Nigerian home base. but issoryt. we’ll make it.

A year and a bit ago, my mom woke up feeling like this two-church- vibe was creating a gap for satan and had πŸ‘ toπŸ‘ goπŸ‘. so I was summoned to attend their Church in the mornings, and could serve at and attend mine in the evening.

Galavanting About
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

 

Sounded doable – until I came to realise that we get to church at 9am and leave at 2.30pm. What gets done in all this time? Everything. Nothing is saved for the next service coz the next service is exactly like this one.

Couple of hours of praise and worship, teaching, questions, snack time, testimonials..

Bru, I got home and took a nap :/ 6.5 hours is enough for the week –Β  Amen? Amen.

Upon being at this Nigerian church for about a week, the assistant pastor told me it was mandatory that I write blurbs and small inserts about important things that would impact the youth in the Church (let’s not talk about the fact that they had no publication, FB page or whatsapp group for me to wrote for or anything, coz that’s none of my business).

 

I declined.

At the following weeks service, sir assistant brought the blurbs up again and insisted that it was my calling.

It was my calling?Β Β Religious ANGLES

But I wasn’t woke so I agreed. It’s tough to argue with ”calling” πŸ˜’πŸ˜‚.

First topic: virginity.
Second topic: sex
Third topic: marriage

This break down was written on a piece of paper just as I had agreed. Not that there was a content plan and they needed a hand to jot it down.

 

hebanna πŸ˜πŸ‘€. ON TOP of this assignment, I was to come to the church office two times a week at 7pm to meet with the pastor. I asked about what, to which he replied ” God will reveal when you arrive “. I arrived once (with a mate) and it was just us. My squadron, the assistant Pastor and I ( Me, the individual self). She was asked to wait outside ..

 

πŸ˜‚ Ok listen, I’m a cynic – but I’m pretty open minded about religious practices because YOLO and people are doing what they need to do to get guest list and VIP wristbands into heaven. Its a real concern. So up until this point I was for the movement (coz calling) – then I was just like: Sham? Why can’t both our souls be in deputy Jesus’ office?

I showed my mom the topics and told her about the meeting andπŸ‘ she πŸ‘ went πŸ‘ ham as a MF πŸ‘ . Goodness gracious she went IN. She was like Busta rhymes in that song with Christ brown. She went in hard and fast.

She went in SO hard that at question time during the service, the pastor publicly apologised indirectly . ” Although Chizoba’s mother is mad at me, I will keep trying

πŸ‘€ Keep trying what?

Lmao well Cupcake,Β we found out the following Sunday.

During the week, he had been texting my step dad about marriage and was low-key tryna convince him that it’s about that time. When we got to church, he called me and my mom aside and expressed his interest in me and that he would like to ask for my hand in marriage ( this is a pastor who is a whole lifetime older than me njalo).

My mom ” what ? πŸ˜’ You pulled me out of mingling with the children of God to ask me this ?”

He explained what he saw in me and that I’m fit to be a wife of the ministry (LMAO) and that he’ll hold back on children until I graduate (πŸ˜‚ he had the nerve ! The flipping gall bladder, the whole body of organs to mention this :/ )

…..😢

If you’ve never met my mom, know that she is a warrior for her cubs ( Yes, I’m in my 20s and I’m still a cubπŸ™ƒ). She can take things from 0 – 101 so quick sometimes I don’t even tell her stuff for the fear of 101km/h and the casualties never making it. She is Hiroshima.

Once more, like the busta rhymes she is , she went harder than the undertaker versus Eddie Guerrero. Started throwing books on the floor highlighting the age gap, the angles being used to get to this point and how she knows he is married back home.Β 

Skrrt. I didn’t know that partπŸ˜‚mess.

Predacious timesπŸ‘Ό.

It goes without saying that we left the church coz she felt uneasy for my sister and brother, but famo, it turns out that:

– A lady gave him her car as a seed because sir assistant Pastor said if she did, she’d get a Range Rover 4 months from then. ( we arrived a staggering 6 months after this prophesy so idk..).
He was into little boys ( 6 women had reported this to the church but it was over looked coz #BossoKeMang)
– He took the church money, which according to the church admin, amounted to R200 000 and left to Nigeria. Church premises rent unpaid for two months and staff salaries unpaid. This could have been my husband πŸ˜₯. SARS and ICT would have been on my case for this oke😒. Stress.

– The lady never got her car back πŸ˜‚ (tf)

And..
– He slept with a number of women in the church (playa , playaaa😎)

Obviously not all churches are like this, but being vigilant plays a key role especially because a majority of people in desperate situations are high on this ‘opium’ of religion, as Karl Marc calls it.

Sir cupcake Marx was of the view that religion is just employed by the wealthy to stunt the innate competitiveness of man, and as a result, we have some people who believe that being poor is okay. being sick is okay , being molested in a church is okay. The discussion around this topic is much, much greater, but I’m not here for that right now.

I’m just here for the sad fact that my first proposal was not a romantic one with Dutch irises (my fave ❀) or Micheal Franks’ Summer in New York playing in the background πŸ˜” it was a strategic sham from a predator and it was probably for papers too 😒.

 

x

11 thoughts on “When I was proposed to instead of being woke

  1. Girl, I am laughing so hard rn πŸ˜‚πŸ€£
    My mom’s church also does this “miracle offering” stuff and she tells me about the people in the church who take out home loans to pay for the church building.

  2. Yho! Crazy. πŸ€”
    Good thing you used your common sense & stuck to your guns! People for all kinds of scams when all th@s needed is common sense.

  3. Okay. So I have alot to say about the church side and would love to discuss some of these things with you.

    I’m in total agreement but I also have very positive and loving relationship with my god that doesn’t force me to do agree with any of that “pastors” ways.

    Good for you and good for mama bear for looking after her cubs. I love that your mom is still your mom no matter what age and that she knows her daughter so well that she knew that what was happening was not ayoba!

    Furthermore I laughed my ass off reading this. You have an amazing sense of humor and you are able to write it into your story so well. I have to be 100% honest here, I thought this was going to be a sad romance gone dead story but this was gold.

    I have bookmarked it, so I can share it gold. 😊

    And I love love your references 🀣 wow. I am looking forward to reading more of your posts and am glad that I found your page.

    Oh and I wrote a somewhat non convential post on Valemtines Day myself, you may want to read it. It’s on my site. 😊

    Have a lovely day, Cee

    1. Cee! ❀ Firstly, I am super keen on having the chat with you. I’m always interested in knowing how different churches operate as we all have a similar concept of God and a unique relationship with him / it.

      Lol and you think YOU’RE happy my mom was woke? I’m flipping ELATED haha, I tend to pick up things really slowly so I might have realized what was going on too late. Not out of affection for the pastor, but out of duty to the ‘calling’.

      Thank you for reading my page πŸ™‚ it’s kinda exciting to meet new people on here πŸ™†πŸ·and your blog has been book marked πŸ˜‰β€

      Happy birthday !!

  4. First of all…I’m sad that I only found out you had a blog like 2 minutes ago😭 but WOWZA your writing is amazing. I laughed HARDπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ You’re a gift babes…cheers to many more stories. (Hopefully ones that don’t require you to be in such traumatizing situationsπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸŒ·)

    1. πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ sometimes I forget to mention it. I’m still a little shy about it. Thank you finding out though πŸ˜‚AND reading it. Yasis, what a win for me.

      I hope to do more safe expeditions as well lol this blog gives my mom a heart attack everytime she reads it

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